When the grit is bigger than the shine

Dear Mammas,

I am writing this love letter today to say that I feel like a phony, a sham.  For all of my rooftop shouting about shining on as brightly as possible, my own shimmer has become barely visible.

& yet.

It is only natural when one considers the circumstances.  Not only am I struggling with wrapping my head around the fact that my mother is G-O-N-E & that she chose it as such, I am spiraling down a vortex of questioning nearly everything, especially the current foundation that makes up my daily domestic life & has for more than five years.

For a brief but telling insight as to what I am specifically talking about, consider my recent visit to a new OBGYN, as she went through the standard list of questions.

Her: Are you worried about being pregnant?

Me:  No.

Her:  Last date of intercourse?

Me:  Three & a half years ago.

Her:  Oh, honey.  Are you sure you want to stay in that?

I know there has got to be better & different way, (& it no longer involves couples counseling which I pushed us into briefly but to no avail).  How to create it with minimal financial resources is another question that nags at me.  How did someone with a graduate degree & as much experience & creativity as I have paint herself into such a tiny corner?  Is this why so many couples split when their kids get school aged, as mom finally has time to go out into the world & earn an income of her own?

Sure, I know all about how we are not our circumstances.  I KNOW things can shift at any given minute & I’m willing to do the work to make it so.   But sometimes the energy of things can really drain us. & sometimes the pathway out isn’t as clear as the one going in.

I also know that if my own children were aching like this, I would lavish them with tenderness & nurture them with love & fun.  & so it is that I will do the same for myself.

Part of this means I am letting myself off the hook for a while with my vision of what this online platform was meant to be.  I may or may not decide to post for a while until I can reclaim my sparkle power, or I may very well decide to share the inner grit with you as I journey back to that place of light.

I just don’t know.

But what I DO know is that sometimes it takes a deep & constant grit to wake us up & polish us new.

So even though my vision of this platform was born from wanting to help us up our sparkle ante with things that are joyful, nurturing & fun, there’s got to be room for the inner grit to develop, too.

Both are allowed & essential.  I just am not sure how much fun it is for you as readers to hear about the gritty details.

What I DO know is that telling them feels eerily like a proclamation- validating their right to be & perhaps subconsciously inviting them to stay.  Thanks but no thanks.

Words are powerful & I want to use them wisely.  Since I’m so unsure about so many things, silence seems to be the best route to take.

For now, at least.

In the meantime, I wish you all the most sparkling details your heart can hold.  & if you are feeling the discomfort of your own inner grit, may you find the courage to work with that energy until you, too, are polished smooth & new.

It’s nearly the new year, after all.

With infinite love,

xo Cricket


Inner grit & glitter.


*Spam stinks & is a huge waste of time.  I value your trust & privacy...your info is safe with me.

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