I am writing this love letter today to say that I feel like a phony, a sham. For all of my rooftop shouting about shining on as brightly as possible, my own shimmer has become barely visible.
It is only natural when one considers the circumstances. Not only am I struggling with wrapping my head around the fact that my mother is G-O-N-E & that she chose it as such, I am spiraling down a vortex of questioning nearly everything, especially the current foundation that makes up my daily domestic life & has for more than five years.
For a brief but telling insight as to what I am specifically talking about, consider my recent visit to a new OBGYN, as she went through the standard list of questions.
Her: Are you worried about being pregnant?
Her: Last date of intercourse?
Me: Three & a half years ago.
Her: Oh, honey. Are you sure you want to stay in that?
I know there has got to be better & different way, (& it no longer involves couples counseling which I pushed us into briefly but to no avail). How to create it with minimal financial resources is another question that nags at me. How did someone with a graduate degree & as much experience & creativity as I have paint herself into such a tiny corner? Is this why so many couples split when their kids get school aged, as mom finally has time to go out into the world & earn an income of her own?
Sure, I know all about how we are not our circumstances. I KNOW things can shift at any given minute & I’m willing to do the work to make it so. But sometimes the energy of things can really drain us. & sometimes the pathway out isn’t as clear as the one going in.
I also know that if my own children were aching like this, I would lavish them with tenderness & nurture them with love & fun. & so it is that I will do the same for myself.
Part of this means I am letting myself off the hook for a while with my vision of what this online platform was meant to be. I may or may not decide to post for a while until I can reclaim my sparkle power, or I may very well decide to share the inner grit with you as I journey back to that place of light.
I just don’t know.
But what I DO know is that sometimes it takes a deep & constant grit to wake us up & polish us new.
So even though my vision of this platform was born from wanting to help us up our sparkle ante with things that are joyful, nurturing & fun, there’s got to be room for the inner grit to develop, too.
Both are allowed & essential. I just am not sure how much fun it is for you as readers to hear about the gritty details.
What I DO know is that telling them feels eerily like a proclamation- validating their right to be & perhaps subconsciously inviting them to stay. Thanks but no thanks.
Words are powerful & I want to use them wisely. Since I’m so unsure about so many things, silence seems to be the best route to take.
For now, at least.
In the meantime, I wish you all the most sparkling details your heart can hold. & if you are feeling the discomfort of your own inner grit, may you find the courage to work with that energy until you, too, are polished smooth & new.
It’s nearly the new year, after all.
With infinite love,